i love you, but you are arguably the most challenging thing that has ever happened to me...

i feel like a girl.

i have exposed myself wholly and now i feel so bare and vulnerable and ... and i am finding myself in this stupid emotional rollercoaster and ... and i know that my feelings towards her are at their meanest depth but fuck, why has things turned out this way vele? why am i so unstable? why am i feeling like this? why am i even asking these questions? why? why? fuckin' why? sometimes i wish that i could just erase all the bits and patches in my memory that lead me into feeling this way. sometimes i wish that my DNA could have been encoded somewhat differently. sometimes i just wish that i cared less than i actually do. sometimes i wish that i was not this jealous. am i jealous or do i just care too much? either way, fuck it!

i hate me when me is like this.



me, i do not fall asleep...

social networking and general Web browsing is addictive. unlike some people who fall asleep while trying to get their way around the Internet, i struggle to let go of the damn laptop, put it on hibernate and dos (sleep). i find myself doing so many things (arb things at that) and forgetting to do others, which sometimes i remember to do when i wake up to go drink water in the middle of my sleep. then i would continue where i left off. such crap.

this was one of those random posts. all hail to randomness...