i love you, but you are arguably the most challenging thing that has ever happened to me...

i feel like a girl.

i have exposed myself wholly and now i feel so bare and vulnerable and ... and i am finding myself in this stupid emotional rollercoaster and ... and i know that my feelings towards her are at their meanest depth but fuck, why has things turned out this way vele? why am i so unstable? why am i feeling like this? why am i even asking these questions? why? why? fuckin' why? sometimes i wish that i could just erase all the bits and patches in my memory that lead me into feeling this way. sometimes i wish that my DNA could have been encoded somewhat differently. sometimes i just wish that i cared less than i actually do. sometimes i wish that i was not this jealous. am i jealous or do i just care too much? either way, fuck it!

i hate me when me is like this.

-S.